Cambridge Common

April 16:

8:14 p.m.-An officer reported to Matthews Hall in response to a complaint from an individual who was nearly struck with a bottle. After checking the area, the responding officer determined that no suspicious person had been found lingering.

Holy Shit! "Nearly struck with a bottle!" Someone call the authorities! (apparently, someone did....) And why does it seem that the two sentences of this report have nothing to do with each other?

April 20:

5:51 p.m.-An officer was flagged down and notified of a person "inappropriately touching" himself or herself while peering up people's clothes on Mass. Ave and Dunster Street. The HUPD officer found the alleged self-fondler and turned him over to CPD.

Ahhh! This is - by far - the greatest report ever! Where to begin, oh, where to begin?!

First of all, this image is hilarious - How, exactly, was this person fondling himself while peering UP people's clothes?? Was he sprawled out on the sidewalk waiting for people to unsuspectingly walk over his head? Maybe he's just very, very small. Or maybe he's just "peering" up at really tall people. The possibilities are endless! (Actually, Police Blog could only think of those three...)

Police Blog also loves the mysterious gender identification of the peeping Tom - or peeping Tina - at the beginning of the post. 'Officer, officer, come quick! I don't know what in the hell that person is, but his (or her) hands are in the no-no zone!'

And finally, there's the title of our androgynous friend. Police Blog has seen many a descriptive title given to identify the perpetrators of HUPD's pages, but never has a title inspired such awe over the explanatory skill of the HUPD Police Log writing staff. "Alleged self-fondler." Need I say more?


(Even though the Police Log provides us with a hilarious insight into the dark underworld of Harvard crime, here at Police Blog we always appreciate the work and dedication of the HUPD officers)